"What I Am"

Jaxson likes to spend time on Sesame Street's website. When I entered the room tonight, I found him jammin' and singing along to this tune. It's Will.i.am with Elmo, Big Bird and a few others. If you haven't heard it, it's quite catchy. A pretty descent message to. I <3 my boy, and this is way better for him to listen to than "Take it off" by Ke$ha (the pitfalls of having 2 teenage sisters in the house.)

Weekly Sugar Bolus

Head on over to FeltFinland and enter this weeks Sugar Bolus for a chance to win some great prizes!

Changing Things Up

Well, I've been sick for the past 4 days and I'm beginning to think I may have walking pneumonia. My voice is completely gone, which is the most frustrating by far! I'll see a doctor next week (unless I can get in sooner) to find out for sure. Until then, I'm finding myself a bit bored so I thought I'd play around with redecorating/reorganizing my blog.

We had freezing rain tonight, which in turn canceled the girls' Christmas program. They have a friend over tonight and they were all delighted to hear that there is a 2 hour late start tomorrow morning. I guess there is no stopping them from staying up to watch movies... and I can't yell at them, so they win. :)

So for now, pay no attention to all the changes going on here. With a little luck, I'll finally settle on something I can live with long term.

Gentle Reminders

Thank you Lora, for reminding me to pray.

Thank you Reyna, for reminding me not to be so hard on myself and that I do indeed already have God.

Thank you Wendy, for reminding me to look for the blessings in everything.

Thank you Amy, for reminding me to see the bigger picture and realizing that I am not alone.

I don't get this kind of positive, encouraging feedback here and honestly don't know what I'd do without you D Mama's. I'm vowing to put forth that same kind of positive energy in my future blog entries.

Letting God

Once upon a time I had a strong Christian faith. I was taught to not allow my circumstances define me. I learned to "let go and let God", especially when it came to the well being of my children.

D has changed all of that.

Diabetes completely defines my life now. No matter how hard I try to make other things the focus, it always comes back to D. I hate that D has so much power in my life now and I really don't know how to hand this one over to God.

How do I "let God" when I think about checking Jax blood sugar every 2 hours during the day?

How do I "let God" when the carbs in every meal must be precisely calculated?

How do I "let God" when I am forever chasing the evasive within range glucose numbers?

How do I "let God" when every time I lay down to sleep, all I think about is if Jax blood sugars will hold steady through the night?

How do I "let God" watch over my boy while he sleeps when I fear finding him unconscious, or worse?

How do I "let God" knowing that my son cannot survive without insulin?

My faith has certainly weakened since D came along and I don't know how to let this one go.

Our First Sick Day

Jaxson had been battling highs for a while. When I noticed his numbers normalizing for a couple days I felt like we were finally winning the battle. The morning started out as usual. Blood sugar check, carb count, insulin dose. Then came the words I had dreaded hearing since his diagnosis. "Mommy, my tummy hurts."

I urged him to finish his breakfast, but the most he got down was his juice. He cried because I wouldn't let him go to school, all the while refusing to eat and complaining of a tummy ache. Against his wishes, I sent his sisters off to school without him. He was pretty upset with me. Only minutes later we were making our first trip to visit the porcelain god.

I was scared, I'm not gonna lie. Scared out of my mind and I didn't want to do this alone. I texted Shelby at school to see if she could come home and support me in this first. She called home to say she was on her way. I was surprised by the tears in my eyes when I got off the phone with her. I wanted to burst. I pulled myself together, it was going to be a long day.

His blood sugar barely budged over 100 all day. That evening he went pretty high and we had to deal with ketones, but we were able to get that under control with a corrective dose of insulin and pushing fluids.

We survived our first sick day with D. I'm so thankful for Shelby's help and support through it all.

I've been thinking about other sick days Jaxson has had prior to his diagnosis. Influenza, RSV, colds, viruses. It was never so challenging to take care of him as it is now with D. Not only are you trying to treat symptoms of whatever bug is ailing them, but D will not give it a rest during this already stressful and tiring time. D has to go and make everything worse.. unpredictable... unmanageable.

I'm learning so much with every new first we go through with D. It will always keep us on our toes, guessing its next move. All I can do is continue to educate myself and always be armed for the battle.

On a side note, I ended up with the same stomach flu that Jaxson had. Kept me in bed for 2 days. Jaxson's wonderful D-sibs took care of him while I was out of commission.