Once upon a time I had a strong Christian faith. I was taught to not allow my circumstances define me. I learned to "let go and let God", especially when it came to the well being of my children.
D has changed all of that.
Diabetes completely defines my life now. No matter how hard I try to make other things the focus, it always comes back to D. I hate that D has so much power in my life now and I really don't know how to hand this one over to God.
How do I "let God" when I think about checking Jax blood sugar every 2 hours during the day?
How do I "let God" when the carbs in every meal must be precisely calculated?
How do I "let God" when I am forever chasing the evasive within range glucose numbers?
How do I "let God" when every time I lay down to sleep, all I think about is if Jax blood sugars will hold steady through the night?
How do I "let God" watch over my boy while he sleeps when I fear finding him unconscious, or worse?
How do I "let God" knowing that my son cannot survive without insulin?
My faith has certainly weakened since D came along and I don't know how to let this one go.
D weakens many things. All we can do is pray to come out stronger than ever on the other side.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, don't be so hard on yourself about "letting God" Deanna. D is new to your life. It is hard. It is time consuming. It can make you feel helpless...You will figure it all out. You will come out the stronger for it...you and your family will. You will "get God"...heck you already "have God" just by knowing you need to "get" Him. If that makes any sense what-so-ever. Hang in there friend and know you are never alone!
ReplyDeleteFind joy.
ReplyDeleteWhen you have access to the supplies necessary to keep your precious child alive -- be joyful in abundant blessings.
When you wake to another morning of his perfect little smile -- be joyful for little miracles such as another breath of fresh air.
When you defeat a high or combat a low -- be joyful that you've retained the knowledge to manage him.
When counting carbs - be joyful that there is food.
Remind yourself constantly that blessings outweigh the troubles.
This is how I have overcome the grief. We're going on 6 years and everyday I have to intentionally look for God before Satan eats my heart alive.
Deanna,
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to make an extra effort to 'let God' in your daily situations ..... he is already there with open arms to be there when you need to lean back and rest.
Just KNOW He chose you because He believes in you to care for Jaxon. It's all part of the 'Jaxon' package. We are not meant to know the whole story all at once.
BELIEVE in God's bigger picture and insteaqd of asking why or how; thank Him for the man who discovered insulin, for the readily available nutritional information, for another day with Jaxson, for the cure that is to be discovered . . . . .
I know how this diagnosis can rock one's faith. I have to remember that God didn't say we didn't have to walk through the deep, dark shadows of life; just that we didn't have to go through them alone.
((hugs)) and know I will hodl your family in prayer.
I struggled too after our first diagnosis. Not really with the second...but when my third son was diagnosed I stopped praying. Those were the darkest times of my life. I cried for 8 months straight. It was an evening in March when my husband pulled me aside after his prayer one night. He told me he had an strong impression he needed to tell me something, and he had put off telling me because he thought he should let me be. But his impression was so strong again that night, that he had to tell me that our Heavenly Father hated seeing me that way. He created this world so that we may find joy. He wanted to help me, but His hands were tied if I didn't ask him for help. My husband knew things would be better for me if I began praying again. I prayed that night and haven't stopped since. It has made ALL the difference. Lay it at his feet. I have always been taught that we need to do all the work we can...do our VERY best, and then God will make up the rest. I have a firm testimony of that now. Yes, we have to put in the work...but we need to trust in the Lord wtih all of our hearts that he will help us find the joy that we need. All is well friend! Don't lose faith, we need Him now more than ever!
ReplyDeletewow Reyna, wendy and meri said it best. But (((hugs))) never hurt either!
ReplyDelete