"What I Am"

Jaxson likes to spend time on Sesame Street's website. When I entered the room tonight, I found him jammin' and singing along to this tune. It's Will.i.am with Elmo, Big Bird and a few others. If you haven't heard it, it's quite catchy. A pretty descent message to. I <3 my boy, and this is way better for him to listen to than "Take it off" by Ke$ha (the pitfalls of having 2 teenage sisters in the house.)

Weekly Sugar Bolus

Head on over to FeltFinland and enter this weeks Sugar Bolus for a chance to win some great prizes!

Changing Things Up

Well, I've been sick for the past 4 days and I'm beginning to think I may have walking pneumonia. My voice is completely gone, which is the most frustrating by far! I'll see a doctor next week (unless I can get in sooner) to find out for sure. Until then, I'm finding myself a bit bored so I thought I'd play around with redecorating/reorganizing my blog.

We had freezing rain tonight, which in turn canceled the girls' Christmas program. They have a friend over tonight and they were all delighted to hear that there is a 2 hour late start tomorrow morning. I guess there is no stopping them from staying up to watch movies... and I can't yell at them, so they win. :)

So for now, pay no attention to all the changes going on here. With a little luck, I'll finally settle on something I can live with long term.

Gentle Reminders

Thank you Lora, for reminding me to pray.

Thank you Reyna, for reminding me not to be so hard on myself and that I do indeed already have God.

Thank you Wendy, for reminding me to look for the blessings in everything.

Thank you Amy, for reminding me to see the bigger picture and realizing that I am not alone.

I don't get this kind of positive, encouraging feedback here and honestly don't know what I'd do without you D Mama's. I'm vowing to put forth that same kind of positive energy in my future blog entries.

Letting God

Once upon a time I had a strong Christian faith. I was taught to not allow my circumstances define me. I learned to "let go and let God", especially when it came to the well being of my children.

D has changed all of that.

Diabetes completely defines my life now. No matter how hard I try to make other things the focus, it always comes back to D. I hate that D has so much power in my life now and I really don't know how to hand this one over to God.

How do I "let God" when I think about checking Jax blood sugar every 2 hours during the day?

How do I "let God" when the carbs in every meal must be precisely calculated?

How do I "let God" when I am forever chasing the evasive within range glucose numbers?

How do I "let God" when every time I lay down to sleep, all I think about is if Jax blood sugars will hold steady through the night?

How do I "let God" watch over my boy while he sleeps when I fear finding him unconscious, or worse?

How do I "let God" knowing that my son cannot survive without insulin?

My faith has certainly weakened since D came along and I don't know how to let this one go.

Our First Sick Day

Jaxson had been battling highs for a while. When I noticed his numbers normalizing for a couple days I felt like we were finally winning the battle. The morning started out as usual. Blood sugar check, carb count, insulin dose. Then came the words I had dreaded hearing since his diagnosis. "Mommy, my tummy hurts."

I urged him to finish his breakfast, but the most he got down was his juice. He cried because I wouldn't let him go to school, all the while refusing to eat and complaining of a tummy ache. Against his wishes, I sent his sisters off to school without him. He was pretty upset with me. Only minutes later we were making our first trip to visit the porcelain god.

I was scared, I'm not gonna lie. Scared out of my mind and I didn't want to do this alone. I texted Shelby at school to see if she could come home and support me in this first. She called home to say she was on her way. I was surprised by the tears in my eyes when I got off the phone with her. I wanted to burst. I pulled myself together, it was going to be a long day.

His blood sugar barely budged over 100 all day. That evening he went pretty high and we had to deal with ketones, but we were able to get that under control with a corrective dose of insulin and pushing fluids.

We survived our first sick day with D. I'm so thankful for Shelby's help and support through it all.

I've been thinking about other sick days Jaxson has had prior to his diagnosis. Influenza, RSV, colds, viruses. It was never so challenging to take care of him as it is now with D. Not only are you trying to treat symptoms of whatever bug is ailing them, but D will not give it a rest during this already stressful and tiring time. D has to go and make everything worse.. unpredictable... unmanageable.

I'm learning so much with every new first we go through with D. It will always keep us on our toes, guessing its next move. All I can do is continue to educate myself and always be armed for the battle.

On a side note, I ended up with the same stomach flu that Jaxson had. Kept me in bed for 2 days. Jaxson's wonderful D-sibs took care of him while I was out of commission.

Thanksgiving disaster #1

Don't cool the pumpkin pie on the washer while it's running. Especially if it's a little off balance.

I guess Jaxson isn't suppose to eat this today. He's so sad. :-(

*Yes, I do anticipate more disasters today, but so far Jax bg is in check.

Being Thankful

The holidays are really sneaking up on me this year and I'm just not ready. However, tis the season to be thankful! My heart really isn't in it, but I'm gonna give it a go anyway.

I'm thankful for alarm clocks that wake me at midnight and 3 a.m. Without them I would still be sleeping.

I'm thankful Jaxson still thinks I'm cool, even if his teenage sisters don't.

I'm thankful for 2 teenage daughters who take on the responsibility of caring for their brother to and from school every day and those days when I just need a break.

I'm thankful for a school nurse who looks after Jaxson as if he were her own son.

I'm thankful that my husband has a good job, even if it means he'll be working the holidays.

I'm thankful for finding the D-OC.  It's because of them I'm beginning to regain a bit of my sanity.

I'm thankful for 2 beautiful grand-babies who have opened up a whole new place in my heart I never knew existed.

Dolly-Pop

Monkey Boy

(Yes, I just shamelessly bragged on my grand-babies by showing their pictures! :) Gotta admit it, they're pretty cute, huh?)

I'm thankful that after staring at this blank page forever, I'm starting to find more things to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for the way my daughter Payton makes me feel like a kid again with her crazy antics and obnoxious behavior.

I'm thankful that Jaxson was diagnosed early.

I'm thankful for every chance I get to see Shelby perform on stage.

I'm thankful for Facebook keeping me in touch with family I would otherwise be out of touch with.

I'm thankful for a brave little boy who tells me "mom, you're the best" right before every injection and finger poke.

That wasn't too painful. Therapeutic actually! I know I could find more to be thankful for, but for nearly 3 a.m. this is about all I've got.

Learning to be thankful every day.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Weekly Sugar Bolus

One thing I'm learning around the DOC is that D-Mama's like to have fun and I'm all about being a part of that!!

Head on over Houston We Have a Problem to check out Laura's awesome giveaway and see what all the fuss is about!

D-Brief

For the past 2 weeks I've been unable to make any sense of Jaxson's numbers. There is no concise pattern and his blood sugar levels are all over the board. I just don't get it. D wreaks havoc on him emotionally. I hate seeing him in so much distress and discomfort.

Jax BS was 393 and he tested positive for ketones at 4 a.m. this morning. That's a first since his diagnosis. I called endo, gave him 2 units of Humolog, and checked him hourly till 7 a.m., by which time his BS was 106 and ketones were negative. I wanted to keep him home from school, but he insisted on going. I texted the school nurse and filled her in. 

Speaking of our school nurse (Melissa), she takes wonderful care of my son while he's at school and gives me great peace of mind. Besides Jaxson, there are 3 other elementary children with d at his school, one of which is Melissa's son.  Unfortunately for her, I am fortunate to have her looking after my boy... if that makes sense.

There's so much more I want to share today, but I really must get some practice transcriptions done.

D will not kick my ass today!

Road Trip: The First Leg

Troy and I had been married for 13 years when we learned I was pregnant with Jaxson. Without a doubt it was a shock and surprise. We currently had 3 daughters; 17, 12, and 10. In our mind we were done having children, but nature decided otherwise. It was so weird. I worried about what people would think. Here I was, 37 and pregnant. (how's that for a show MTV?) When we broke the news to friends and family, they were surprised as well, but supportive. We soon found out that our baby would be a boy. After 3 daughters, that was a pleasant surprise and the girls were excited to have a sibling of the male persuasion.

It was a rough pregnancy. I can't even remember all the tests, but one of them showed that our boy was at a high risk for having downs syndrome. They wanted me to do an amniocentesis but I opted out. If he were going to be born with downs we'd deal with it when the time came. No sense in risking having no baby at all. I was also placed on bed rest in the last trimester because of blood pressure issues, and I was given a steroid injection on 2 separate occasions to ensure his lungs would be developed in case of preterm labor.

We all survived the pregnancy and on September 3, 2005 Jaxson arrived. From the moment I laid eyes on him he had my heart. He just wasn't meant to be and now I couldn't imagine life without him. There he was. My son. Perfect. Healthy.

In just a few years our lives would take a turn and be changed forever. Read D-Tour Ahead for Jaxson's diagnosis story.

Thank you D Mamas

I am truly moved by the generous outpouring of support shown to me by the D Mamas in the Diabetes Online Community. In reading all the comments left on my previous post, I was able to see new hope. I am encouraged, refreshed, and ready to face a new day. In the words Wendy left me on my Facebook, "you've stumbled into a fantastic group of women who genuinely care about supporting and encouraging other D Mamas in their journey". I couldn't agree more!!

I am looking forward to making my way around the DOC and getting to know each of you. Thank you for extending your friendship.

Finding Support

For the past several days I have been feeling overwhelmed by all that is on my plate. I wish had that picture perfect family that is there for me through life's ups and downs, but that is just not meant to be. I truly feel alone in seeing to it that Jaxson is taken care of properly. My teen daughters are busy with their own lives. They will give me a hand when I ask, but my requests are usually met with indignation, so I stop asking. And dad... I'm sure he means well, but he has really taken a 'hands-off' approach to Jaxson's care since he was diagnosed. Denial? Maybe. But it hurts me deeply.

I think if I could talk with someone who understands, sympathizes and relates I could sort out the clutter in my brain, but I really don't know where to start looking for that either. I am currently contemplating quitting my studies in Medical Transcription because I simply can't focus on it.

Jaxson is THE most important thing to me now. I'm fighting for is life. Have I left my family in the lurch giving all my attention to caring for Jaxson? Are my priorities out of whack? How do I make this work? I don't even know any more. I feel like I'm losing my mind most days. Strong on the surface, but falling apart on the inside.

Stop the Presses!!

Click the photo to see the story!

Jaxson, along with 3 other elementary students diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, is featured on the front page of our local paper. I am unfortunately fortunate (if that makes sense) to have a school nurse well-versed in type 1 (because her own son is diagnosed) personally looking after my boy during the school day. It gives me great peace of mind.

Speed Bump

I have this tendency to dive head first into things and then end up overwhelmed because my brain just doesn't absorb information that quickly. Especially now that I don't sleep. Okay, okay. I do sleep. Just not as much as I use to. 

During my waking hours I have been making my way around the web reading my way through the many d-blogs out there. I'm thirsty for more information and I'm anxious to be involved and meet other d-folk. All for the sake of my son. Alas, I have reached information overload; one of many speed bumps.

There is a language spoken amongst d-bloggers that I didn't know about and don't quite understand yet. I'm not gonna lie, I feel submerged by the sea of diabetes information that is out there. Not only about diabetes, but the d-community as well. So I ask for your patience. Maybe give me a place to start or teach me the language? Try not to laugh to hard when I use the wrong term or try to sound like I know what I'm talking about. I don't mind gentle correction.. most times. I just need to slow down a little and give things time to absorb, so I hope you'll bare with me and stick around while I get my footing.

D-Tour Ahead

June 15, 2010. 

Our 4-year-old son Jaxson had been feeling poorly for a while; not eating, drinking buckets of water, walking in his sleep, wetting the bed and running mild fevers off and on. I had set an appointment for him to see his doctor later in the week, but when there was no comforting my sick little boy who cried constantly, and he couldn't tell me what was wrong or where it hurt I called the doctor's office in tears and pleaded with them to see him right away. I could see the signs but I pushed those thoughts away hoping that I was just being an overly paranoid mom (I do that a lot). 

We arrived to the clinic and when the doctor entered the room, he scooped my boy gently into his arms, sat down beside us and told us our boy had diabetes. My heart sank at the realization that my suspicions were correct and my husband was inconsolable. As for his glucose reading, the number was so large it didn't register on the meter.

They sent us directly to Children's Hospital where we stayed for 3 days. There they confirmed his type 1 diabetes diagnosis, regulated his glucose levels and taught us as much as possible about diabetes and how we would have to take care of Jaxson from now on. 

The life that we knew ended that day. Now we are on this journey, a detour of sorts. We are four months on this road now and Jaxson is handling this new lifestyle rather well. I'm very proud of my little guy, but at the same time I'm so sad that he's had to grow up so quickly. 

I'm scared and I don't know what the future holds for us, but I am committed to the survival of my son and the fight for a cure.